What is consent?
Have you ever been asked a question, and you weren't sure what to respond? Have you ever said "maybe"... and next thing you knew, you were doing something you really weren't comfortable doing? What happened? Did you consent without knowing?
Let's look at real situations:
You have a plan to eat healthier. You decided ahead of time you will eat a small steak and a big salad at an outing. You are feeling really good about yourself. Everyone urges you to have birthday cake afterwards. In spite of saying no several times, you eat a piece. How do you feel after? Do you feel supported, respected, encouraged? Did you give consent to eating that cake?
You put a "do not disturb" sign on your door. You are in the middle of something important to you. Someone knocks, barges in, and starts telling you about their very exciting news. How do you feel? Respected, admired, heard? Did you consent to listening to their story?
You are on a first date and the person wants to hold your hand. You say you are not ready for that. Next thing you know you are reluctantly holding hands. What if this escalated to kissing and more? Would you feel heard, respected, liked? Did you consent?
You are at a club and you don't want to drink alcohol. People convince you that one drink won't hurt. You have a drink or two. Is this ok? Did you consent?
At what point will forcing someone to eat, drink, have sex, talk, change their mind, and other be seen for what it is? It is definitely not consent. It is a disrespect of someone's boundaries? If a person needs convincing it is not consent. It is manipulation, coercion, and control. No means no. Maybe means no.
Let's look at a few examples:
Someone of any gender, has been in a relationship for a year now. They have had a spat. There has been tension and hardly any conversation in a few weeks. One day, without a word, the partner grabs them, throws them on the couch, has intercourse with them and in less than 10 minutes is done, gets dressed, and leaves.
In this scenario, everything happened so fast, the person went along with it and afterwards felt very confused, hurt, and violated. Many in our society would make it ok somehow because the person did not say no. The person did not say yes either. This is not considered consensual sex.
You are at a party and you are coerced into doing something you didn't want to do. There is no consent here. Coercion is a form of control, even bullying.
You ask for time to yourself. You are made to feel guilty or ashamed. You end up doing something with someone. This is not consensual.
I hope these examples help you understand consent.
Consent is a HELL YES! I want to do this. I will be happy doing this. It requires some kind of conversation to be sure all parties are happy with the action taken. No convincing is necessary.
When I was growing up, I often heard that maybe means yes. That thinking caused a lot of damage to individuals and in society.
I hope this blog gives you enough information to have consent conversations in families, in work spaces, and with friends.
Each one of us can make a significant difference simply by asking someone if they are a HELL YES about something. Be open to explaining how a HELL YES is the only way to know that someone is truly consenting to something. Become a person who only does things they are a HELL YES to. Be sure that you aren't pushy when others say no or maybe to what you want.
Together we can make the world a safer and more peaceful place by understanding and sharing what true consent is.
by Coach Diane D
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